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Here’s a revelation for you: I like 80s hair metal. I’m glad we got that out the way.
So Rock of Ages, based on the popular Broadway musical, attempts to make a kind of Mamma Mia out of those 80s ‘metal’ hits. I say metal in inverted commas, because those songs were never all that heavy and bore little resemblance to the likes of Black Sabbath and Motorhead that came before. It was a period of accessible music performed with a rock and roll attitude: an attitude that involved big hair, shoulder pads, whiskey, cocaine, and girls.
The film is the story of a small town (Oklahoma) girl living in a lonely world (with her grandmother) who took the midnight train going anywhere (late 80s Hollywood). There she meets a city boy, (possibly) born an raised in south Detroit (it’s never specified), who took the midnight train…. you get the idea.
The problem is, as a film, Rock of Ages is no way coherent. At times it does verge on ‘so terrible its almost charming’, but most of the time it’s like watching a painfully drawn-out car crash. I haven’t seen the show, but it’s clear to see the material hasn’t been edited down for the specifics of film at all. There are a couple of good scenes, some enjoyable musical moments, a few funny gags, and Tom Cruise as fictional rock god Stacee Jaxx is fun to watch. But for each of these positive points you’ll have to deal with twice as much vomit inducing dialogue, absurd Catherine Zeta Jones dance routines, comedy monkeys, misjudged song selections and redundant characters. And did I mention it goes on for about 4 hours?
Rock of ages is serviceable, but it really needed a good re-write that combined a few characters and better integrated the plot with song lyrics. A producer willing to dump the forgettable songs and stump up some cash for a bit of Van Halen or Motley Crue might have helped too, as would a casting director with ambition – the lead pair of actors are bland beyond belief.
Coming back to my original statement, I actually like this music (you might call it dumb, I call it fun) and I’m willing to put up with a lot if it brings that era to life. Sadly Rock of Ages played out like a sanitised Glee version of the Sunset Strip. None of the actors were particularly good singers, and I found the pop emphasis of their vocals depressingly vacant. What made these songs great originally wasn’t their simple melodies or reductive lyrics but the passion behind the vocals and the guitar solos. For a film about staying true to oneself, and by extension to rock and roll, Rock of Ages fails to capture the spirit that its subject matter demands.
[xrr rating=2/5]